I Don’t Know Who I Am

I  tried and accomplished walking away from a lifestyle that should not be a way any person lives out there lives. Glad it only consumed 3 years of mine but though I have never regretted a thing that I have done, that has changed in the past couple months. I fear that this has forever put a dark spot on how people perceive me to be and the type of person that I am. For that I regret those years though will never forget the people who were a part of my life. Walking away and blocking any new friendships from knowing anything about me was such a “necessity” during those years after that I forgot who I was…. I don’t know who I am.

Thinking about it, it makes me feel as if I was living a lie and my friends were unnecessarily the victims of this. The crazy part about this is when I started hanging out with the group of friends I so lovingly and luckily have in my life, I never thought it would actually  last this long. I had all these plans that were all in the final stages of being reality, just one or two more moves. I took a 10 day contract job the day before I was moving away just to get some extra money in my pocket to begin a new life. That turned into an extended contract as a temp employee so I stayed around longer just playing out that contract before they laid me off and then I would be on my way. This is when I started hanging out with my friends, who were all friends with my younger brother for years prior.

One day after finishing a job, there was no more work for me and I got let go. Went home and started to get ready to make my move to Seattle. The next day that job called back and I ended up working there for the next 5 years. That first summer I moved into the Batcave with my brother and 3 other friends where I lived for 2 years and the house was a part of the group for 4 years.

For some reason, as part of me not wanting to let anyone in or opening up to anyone, I drank a lot (not to the point of being an alcoholic) and did things I thought would make me come off as a friend you have to party with and not a close friend. Honestly, I didn’t know why I was still around. I tried to make myself come off as a person who is not relationship material and considering to this day that I haven’t dated since I was 19 I would have to say I was successful (sad story).

Writing has been a huge part of my life since my family moved here from Boulder in 1995. It became a big part of my life because I left all my friends behind and I guess as a way of holding on, movies was something that became my hobby. I started watching action movies over and over and over and over again. Then I started writing my own, eventually moving onto other genres and then wanting to learn the other aspects behind film-making. I started studying movies. Learning everything there was to know about the movie industry on my own. I became a very shy person in school and my friends were ones who came up to me and asked if I wanted to hang out. (That’s not what this blog is about, so this will be something that’s told in a different story.)

(I remember the first day I went to school up here and all the girls were giggling and smiling. I had no idea what that was about. During recess I get asked out… I had absolutely no idea what that meant or what was all involved. Nothing like this happened at my elementary school in Boulder. To tell the truth, I still had no idea what that meant until high school. There’s even a story that I laugh about now, but totally screwed up my image in middle school, all because I had no idea what dating, girlfriend, or boyfriend meant….The two girlfriends I’ve had in my life, I never even asked out or made a move, they were just looked at as my girl and eventually we just became a couple. I do not know how to chase a girl.)

There were a few instances through my time in the Batcave and the 2-3 years following where I would get very excited about some things that were happening in my life that pertained to my dream of having one of my screenplays developed and eventually having my own production company. I would tell everybody about this because I was excited. But then something would happen to halt that progression and I would feel like I failed and worst, to me, it made me feel like my friends thought I was just lying and making stories up to them…. I was all talk and no action.

I kept fighting for it and failed and failed and failed and failed. Maybe it was all the build up of stress from this and wanting to prove to my friends what I can do and show them dreams do come true. I started to feel like, after years of blocking out those 3 dark years in my life and failing continuously at my dream, that I wasn’t meant to be happy. Like this was my karma. But I always felt and still do that not living a day unhappily is not a way to go through life. So I found other forms to bring happiness into my life. Seeing my friends smile, seeing my friends with their loved ones/significant others, seeing them making their dreams come true made me happy…..I quit on my dreams. I forgot who I was.

That was until these past two months….when I opened up and so much weight was lifted off my shoulders, I was reminded what it was like to fight for something. I am finding that person in me again. I am working on me.

By Elric Posted in Life

2 comments on “I Don’t Know Who I Am

  1. Pingback: When You Find That Moment…It Lasts Forever « Elric, I Am

  2. Pingback: Thank You « Elric, I Am

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