I Don’t Even Know What To Call This

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should just be friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love” – Neil Gaiman

I feel like James McAvoy’s character in Wanted when he is getting beat up by Angelina Jolie asking him “Why are you here?” and he comes to the realization and answer… “I don’t know who I am.”

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves.” – Corinthians 13: 4-7

It’s amazing the things we will do, how far out-of-the-way we will go for an act of charity, an act of kindness, an act of love. If you’re strong enough, try this sometime. Perform a good deed, an act of love in secret and then watch yourself. See how hard it really is not to say anything to anyone about what you had to do to achieve this. Getting the self-glorification can get you that recognition you desire but that is the only reward you would have earned and this world can easily take that back. Do your acts of love, your good deeds for the glorification of Him.

I don’t know who I am right now. I’m doing things I don’t normally do or I worked hard not to become that kind of person. Once I made it back to the house yesterday, I started doing what I had done in the past when I faced similar situations or was in that mood but I quickly stopped and knew then, for myself, that I have been changing a lot. I am so lost and confused but I also know I’m on the right track. He keeps changing things on me on a daily basis and when I feel like I’m maybe inching closer to what He wants of me, another challenge appears, another test of patience and I’m lost again. Like a mouse in a maze without the scent of cheese to find my way.

One thing I suggest for those of you with that special someone…. Love your partner the way they want to be loved. Do you know how they feel loved? Practice it.

For those that don’t….. Listen to life. You can see a little bit of your future right in front of you if you open your eyes.


One comment on “I Don’t Even Know What To Call This

  1. Pingback: Thank You « Elric, I Am

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